Birthday Wishes

What do you want in life? That's an easy question right? It's usually followed with "to be happy." But why is it that such an easy answer is so hard to actually achieve? Why does it have to be so hard?

How come I can't wake up in the morning look at my life an be happy?? I have nothing to be unpleased about. I have a full time job, I have a roof over my head, I get three meals a day-and some, I have a damn good means of transportation to get me and whomever else wants to risk their lives to and from any destination. I live a healthy life, minus the tachycardia. I have a great knowledge of the street, book, and my religion. I have a family who cares for me and looks out for my wellbeing. I have friends who do random things with me in the middle of the week because it fits "my" schedule. I always have clothes on my back and hella sweet shoes on my feet. But how does this possibly make one unhappy?

You see a girl who's outgoing, who cracks jokes ALL the time, I smile way too often for my personality, and I'm always willing to put other's needs before my own.  

What you don't see: I hate being outside my comfort zone especially if it's haunted corn fields with clowns. 90% of those jokes are about me and I'm being serious. I smile because I'm uncomfortable and if I laugh it cause I'm either terrified, hurt, or genuinely bored.  That $20 I just gave you... It was my last until payday and I think I could handle brown bagging it to work.

 Is it pathetic that I'm so caught up in being happy that it makes me the opposite of what I want? Who knows. I hate it all. I hate that before I fell asleep last night that I only had two wishes; for Chris to complete his whole mission, and to finally let 23 be the year for me. See even then I'm thinking about someone else before me. And I still can't bring myself to be happy about that. Haha maybe it's a curse. Maybe my great great great grandfather forgot to carry Madam Zeroni to the top of the mountain for water. Haha who knows.

Maybe it'll be on my dying bed I can finally be happy. Maybe it's not entirely the destination as it is the journey. I may be old, broken, alone but maybe then I can look back and laugh at the embarrassing jokes I made at myself, or those several times we skied behind my car, or the many times I wanted to pull all my hair out because someone left the toilet seat up. Maybe that's what it is, it's all the laughter, anger, tears and all I between that makes us happy. No, it's what makes us all alike, human.