Here's whats so great about being thankful when you have quite the amount of crap on your lap, you almost can't smell it. Ok so bear with me and my weird way of using analogies, I just think its pretty neat when it hasn't been your day, week, month, or even your year and you have to find something to be thankful about and you almost forget how crappy life has been to you.
I don't think I could have made it through this year with out a few people to kick me along the way. I finally started to date again, which I've probably gone a full year without dating. I kinda stopped after my grandfather died last summer and then I lost my cousin earlier this year, then my old boss passed along as well. It was hard enough coping with one death of a dear one-Ty, my first actual boyfriend I had when I first went to school at SUU. He chose to take his life after two years of us dating under the table. I didn't like the whole labeling boyfriend/girlfriend thing, kinda thought it was lame. Don't ask, I think its totally cute and whatever. That sent me down a dark path that involved me pushing his death into a hole and burying it and never talking about it again. Well here's whats scary, that got brought up at my current job and I started to fall down that black hole again.
That happened, I then lost my cousin and boss only months apart, it just seemed like a great time to start to feel crappy about my life. I just felt like nothing I was doing was good enough, nothing I said was right, and no matter how hard I tried at something it was never near enough. It was just one, feel bad about me scenario after another. Let me be the first to tell you that I am really good at picking our my flaws. I could look into a mirror and tell you that my nose is too big, that my eyes are too small, and that my eyebrows are NEVER on fleek. *also means on point* I just couldn't see myself being happy. And apparently I was content with that. Granted I was able to fake a smile, fake being happy, and definitely fake that nothing in my life was a problem.
But after having to learn how to address my problem of not coping with the loss of Ty, my grandfathers-2008 and 2014- my cousin, and also my boss, things started to lighten up. Let me tell ya that when you address these things thrown down into your metaphorical hole life lightens up. I guess that no matter how long I decided to not talk about these things the darker it felt. I've always been pretty dark and twisty, before it was even a Grey's Anatomy character description. Finding the darkness was much easier than finding the light. It was much easier to see the bad outcomes rather than the good outcomes of any situations. Lets just get out and sum it all up saying I've been really good at having the dark life.
Here's where it changed, my best friend decided to pull me aside and had me tell him everything, I started with the fact that I didn't know how to deal with losing anyone that I've lost in my life. I felt that the easy thing to do was to not address any loss at all and just keep trucking. I told him that I felt like one after another losing their life just tore me apart, along with the fact that I feel like that I wasn't going on any dates. So that just put me down to where I was constantly telling myself that I wasn't good enough. It was just so hard to be in a singles ward where we are encouraged to date and every single girl there was going out on dates, getting engaged, and married all before I even get asked on one date. That was the kick between the legs and spit on my neck that I needed. But Mr. Blair challenged me to go on one date with a positive outlook.
I met a guy who used to go to Mav all the time and decided to take him up on his offer to go to dinner and a movie. Well it may have gone too well. We didn't even make the movie. Woah, woah, woah, before you get too carried away we just drove around, and around, and around. This lasted about a month before I decided that he realized that he was moving fast and I wasn't. He kinda ripped me out for not feeling the same way about him, which was alright because I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship. Anyways it was fun and all but the man was a little rude about us not dating. So that ended rather quickly. What it really took was for my mother to sit me down and say, I can just tell that you're not happy, more so now than ever. That was quite the gut punch. Lets get real here, those few words were worse than having my jaw dislocated from work.
Its so funny how it took my mother to say hey boo boo you ain't happy so knock it off, people feed off your emotions and happiness. And it is so true. I couldn't tell you how many people tell me how much they love my humor or how they love to open facebook and read my stuff. So that and a swiff kick to the rear definitely opened my eyes to finding some sort of happiness each day, find a reason to smile and move forward, and make someone smile. Gotta love how a mother's instinct and or a boot to the bottom will get ya going in the right direction.
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