These past few months I have felt as if I've been spiraling down. Just a little at a time. You probably wouldn't have noticed. To you you see me as happy go lucky MelFlo. Cracking jokes and meeting strangers every night. What you didn't notice is how alone and afraid I've felt that last 3 months. Granted I do live alone. But it doesn't stop there. I feel alone when I go to work, when I go to church, when I do anything. I go to church, I pay my thithes, I go to the temple when I feel welcomed, and all that Inbetween. What's strange is how I progressively feel as though I've gotten worse. I'm not doing anything wrong, but I sure do feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Why?! Today I felt that if maybe I wrote my brother and best friend, missionaries, that I would feel better. Instead I found a scripture my brother shared in his last email. It pissed me off. It was about not giving us and how sometimes you have to suffer through different things to gain different blessings. I sure didn't see that all the things I've been through have gotten me many blessings. So instead of finishing the letters I guess you could say I pouted on my couch. Alone. Pissed that no one was there to comfort me or ask what was wrong.
Here's where it get awesomely weird. I received a text message. With the question, "learn this for me will ya?" The picture was of a song I used to sing when I was in rough situations or when I felt alone- I am a child of God. It was a simpler arrangement. I replied yes, before i even listened to it. I started to cry. This person said that it was weird they thought of me when listening to the song. It was exactly what I needed! I needed a reminder that no matter how alone I feel I an NEVER alone.
It's crazy that something this simple can turn a stiff heart into a humble one. I used to sing this song all the time growing up. I always sang it in my head-in fear of being judged- but it helped me through some of the hardest, loneliest, and scariest times. So to have people prompted to share that with me, the song and my brother's scripture, it's amazing. The lord does work in mysterious ways. Having patience and learning to trust in his timing is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. When I was 18 I had thought that by now I would be done with college, married, and already into my career. But I'm not. And I hate when things don't go as planned. But I just have to trust in him. "Lead me, guide me, walk be side me. Help me find the way. Teach me all that I must know, to live with him some day." And trusting the Lord that he will guide and direct me to where I need to be and teach me the things I need to know, those are my biggest struggles. But I am human I make mistakes. The greatest part about the knowledge I have is that I am able to be forgiven of my sins.
Trust in him at all times. Pour your hear out to him. He really is our rock and our salvation. I am so grateful for a testimony as strong as it is. For having a family that loves me. And for having someone always watching over me. And I am especially grateful for friends and family that listen to those promptings to share things with me and reach out. It's that still small voice that I am so grateful for. I wouldn't be were I am today without it. I'm grateful for brothers willing to serve missions, friends who serve missions, friends that text you to make sure you're alive and still MelFlo. I'm thankful for a family who are always there for me. And more than anything I'm thankful for the knowledge that I have gained to know that everything has a purpose and timing.
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